Because my life is anything but normal....

Sep 13, 2011

The internet

   I truly feel like the internet is a wonderful place. Its a constant learning experience. I've been everywhere on the internet. Company/Brand websites, social networking, forums, download sites, upload sites, blogs, the list just goes on. You name it and I've been there. From the faces of Facebook, to the depths of FatWallet, even to the farthest reaches of GaiaOnline. I love the internet. I love to hate the internet. 
There are ups, there are downs.... all in all its like a neurotic high school "I love you, I hate you" roller-coaster relationship for me.

  There are things I've learned from the internet that I would like to share. Those of you that know the internet as I do may shake their heads. You may laugh. Those who don't should take (most) of these words to heart. You may agree or disagree, but this is my internet experience over the years.

1. Google knows everything. EVERYTHING. If you need to know something, ask Google. (Warning: if Google does not know, this may be the end of the world as we know it, government censorship, or some other conspiracy!)

2. Everyone on the internet is completely prepared for (and even anticipating) a Zombie Apocalypse. They even sell "self defense" tables that break down into a club and shield to defend yourself if you are surprised by an attack. In case of a Zombie Apocalypse, proceed to the nearest PC for survival advice and always remember to remove the head.

3. The internet is a little like school. Except that you don't have to be in the same grade, school, state, age group, race, sex, or country to have someone threaten to come to your house to beat you up because you disagreed with them. 12 year olds, 30 year olds, even 72 year olds are magically transformed into 6'5"- 300 pound professional street fighters by the internet. I've seen people get seriously mad and carry on in real life over an internet fight with a total stranger. Sometimes fighting on the internet is like trying to grab the last pink Zhu Zhu off the shelf when you're surrounded by other moms packed in an aisle in Toys-R-Us at the Black Friday sales. Someone is going to win, there's just going to be a lot of hair pulling and yelling first.

4. The internet has the best T-shirts, and the best demotivational posters.

5. People of all ages go to the internet to unlearn most (if not all) proper english and punctuation. Dropped vowels, intentional misspellings (and not-so-intentional), CAPSLOCK screaming, run on sentences and abbreviations are the language of the internet. Learning "chatspeak" and "leet" is like visiting a foreign country and trying to learn the language by repeating what you hear. If Google didn't know everything, there would be a serious financial gain to "internet speak" lessons.

6. There are tons of witty comments and comebacks everywhere on the web. You find witty responses in some unexpected places. Some are great, some are not so good. My research suggests that "your mom" is still one of the most popular comebacks of choice. 
Ironically, even moms are using it.

7. There are many links on the internet. Some of them go to relevant sites, some of them take you to horrible, sick, scary places that are best not spoken of even in the worst of all nightmares. It is always best to check where a link goes before you click on it. You wouldn't want a virus, or some random man/lady parts popping up. Trust me. It happens. A LOT.

8. Animals are incredible. People's pets are making Facebook accounts and playing Mafia Wars. Cats have their own websites and YouTube channels. Birds have their own online comic. All my dog does is lay around. My fish kinda just float in their tank. I've realized I must have raised my pets to be lazy and unproductive. I'm a terrible pet-parent.

9. Not everyone is as technologically advanced as others. Occasionally, explaining to the "technologically disabled" how to do something as simple as clearing your cache turns into a 3 hour conversation that leaves you beating your head off your desk. Instead of explaining, you should refer them to Google as Google knows everything.

10. Social networking is AMAZING! I have friends that update and post pictures when they go just about anywhere. To New York. To the hospital. To the bathroom. To the pool. To the zoo. To get sloppy drunk. Its great to be able to keep up with everyone and hear all about every aspect of their lives. I also learned that social networking sites probably have privacy settings for REALLY good reasons.

11. Online gaming and MMORPGS are huge. If you're not on Farmville, and you're not playing WoW, you don't understand the sheer importance of PC gaming. You probably don't know how very incredibly rare that neon red pig with the pink, blue, and orange spotted stripes is. You have no idea how important someone's level 200 Arcane Mage is. You have no idea how significant it is that they can teleport to Tol Barad, warp the flow of time, and transform an enemy into an animal. YOU HAVE NO IDEA. These people are very passionate about their gaming, which is great on the internet. Beware the person that randomly launches into a 3 hour conversation about their farm in person. Note: When someone starts talking about their new pole dancing job, you may want to ask to which game they are referring to. You don't want to launch into a lecture about strippers when your sister is talking about Second Life.

12. Funnier things happen on the internet than in your life. Things you never thought could happen to anyone in a million years is on YouTube. For the record though, its not polite to laugh at the poor boy up the street that rode his bike into a parked car. Its not nice to laugh at the crazy cat lady that has 38 cats crammed in the back of her tiny Geo Metro in the parking spot next to yours (complete with litter box). Unless you see it on YouTube. Then it is appropriate to not only laugh, but to also share it with all your Facebook friends.

  These are the things I have learned from the internet. I'm sure there's more I've learned. Just as I'm sure I'll learn a whole lot more in my life time. These are just the important bits that stand out the most. Perhaps this is just my tired rambling as I'm typing this out on my laptop at 4am. Maybe I'm more perceptive than my mother ever hoped I could be. Whatever the case may be, the internet has surely educated me in many ways.

 Has the internet taught you anything today?

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