Are your children scary?

My children are scary. My daughter is 8 (almost 9) and she acts like a teenage girl. My son is 11 and he acts like a teenage girl....
In the past, I've always tried to be rational and responsible when dealing with my children's outbursts.

For example:
"But, Mom! Everyone else is wearing make-up in 2nd grade! Why can't I??!!"
Because this is not "tramp training camp".
I don't say that, but I'm thinking it. Instead I take a deep breath and say "What other parents let their kids do is their business. You're my business, honey. Girls that are wearing make-up at 8 years old are trying to look and act older than they are. You're 8, Morgan. Try to be 8! You'll be older soon enough and you'll have the whole rest of your life to wear make-up."

"I hate you! You're the worst mom EVER!"
What I really want is to stick my tongue out and say "I hate you too, stupid head!".
Instead, I calmly say "You can hate me if you want, and I'm sorry that you feel that way, but I love you."

With my other child it's not much different:
"I don't want to put my laundry away! This isn't fair! You make me do everything!"
[inner voice] You do nothing. You don't even pick up after yourself. You play video games, leave butt-prints in my couch, and make my life miserable every chance you get....
 "Son, I'll gladly put your laundry away if you'd like to go to work for me, wash and fold the towels, sweep and mop, load the dishwasher, take the dog for a walk, dust, and cook supper. No? That's what I have to do today, so I don't think its much to ask for you to put your own clothes away after I kindly washed and folded them for you."

My children are the ones that make other people decide against reproducing. My kids make me understand why some animals eat their young. I'm torn between telling them the bald-faced truth, and being a mature, caring adult. Occasionally, I can diffuse a situation with humor, but more often than not they make my head explode. I've been known to use sarcasm.... heavily. I've been known to yell back. But, I always try to be mature when my kids act like spoiled brats. The fact that they act like spoiled brats kind of shocks me to begin with. They don't get everything that they want. I've tried to instill values in them. I've taught them right from wrong. AND I've always been a super-cool punk-rock mom!

How would they feel if I threw a fit because I couldn't have what I wanted. What if I refused to do anything? What if I hated them and slammed doors? What if I went out in public in a ripped and stained red shirt with yellow plaid shorts without brushing my hair or teeth?

Last week, I had enough of the door slams. When my son slammed the door, I proceeded to tell him he was doing it wrong. I then demonstrated the proper way to slam a door and made him do it the "right way" for nearly a half hour. I won and there hasn't been a door slammed since. Yesterday, my daughter started screaming and flipping out because she couldn't find her favorite shirt. I yelled gibberish and flailed my arms around. When she finally stopped her tirade and looked at me in shock, I calmly said "Now you know how ridiculous you look screaming like that."

Obviously I have to be just as obnoxious as they are to get my point across. I guess when I say what that sarcastic little voice inside my head WANTS to say, they get the point much better than when I try to be calm and understanding. To think that these are just the 'tween years. As teens, I'm probably going to have to resort to psychological warfare. I'm going to have to shave eyebrows and draw mustaches while they sleep. I'm going to have to drive them to school in pajamas with feet. I'm going to have to saran-wrap the toilet. I can't wait.

Do you have the same problems? How do you deal with your 'tweens?